Hiraeth

I am homesick
longing for whatever isn't
feeling lost,

and out of sync
who knows when I'll
feel found.

there isn't the peace,
or the cadence in my days,
what work I do is meaningless, anyway.

Wisconsin Wednesday

The first Wednesday of each month, around midday, the alarm system for tornadoes gets a test run. It always makes me jump out of my skin  and think about how Midwestern homes are generous with their basements and how winter leads directly to hot weather and mosquitoes and how it is either central heating or blazing air conditioning all the time.

I am selling this place short but when my neighbor mentions how beautiful it is, I feel like a scrooge. He says it is like a California day...I answer No, not really. A bit oppositionally defiant, on reflection. I could have been a bit more accepting. It is indeed a beautiful day.

Winter Storm

It is snowing today where I live and it will continue through the night. I wonder what the morning is going to be like. It is interesting to be an outsider in the Midwest. I grew up in Calcutta, India, which for better or worse, will always be my home town. Calcutta is a ragged place, an ancient city bursting at the seams sort of place with too many people who seem to be going anywhere you are headed. A noisy place where cacophony accompanies existence and where a few moments of silence and repose are precious and unlikely.

Now, I live in a quiet, too quiet- almost to the point of moribund "development" in a Midwestern suburbia, surrounded by McMansions, where I have to drive to get anywhere- although things are easily accessible but I miss walking and sunshine and fine weather without mosquitoes thrown in for good measure. I think about other immigrants to the Midwest- I know there are Hmong people nearby and lots of folks displaced from Somalia, too. I wonder how they cope with the winter mayhem.

I miss the getting outdoors without planning and being a flaneur in the sunshine. It has been horribly cold recently- like breaking decades worth of weather firsts- cold. So venturing out those days was impossible. Warmed up for a bit with some sunshine thrown in for good measure and then it froze. Every walk I have taken has been accompanied by the nagging thought that I should have worn my yak trax for better traction on this frozen slippery tundra. And yet, the whole act of have two sets of shoes- one for the outside and another for being indoors hasn't got any traction from me. The winter gear is beginning to wear me down. It has always been so. February is a tough month with little sunshine, dreary weather and a sense of cabin fever. I wonder if I will every adapt to this weather. I know human beings are resilient but right now I would like to be anywhere but here. 

The Problem of Expertise

Recent conversations have reminded me about an experience I had with an Oncologist whose patient I was helping to care for in the hospital. He wasn’t doing too well. He looked terrible and his laboratory tests reminded me of his poor health.

I came across his cancer doctor in the hospital corridor and we talked a bit about his diseases and management. I shared that he wasn’t looking well. This lead to a shocking, memorable response that still rings in my ears.

“Whatever it is- it isn’t his cancer that is killing him.”

Even today as I write this I am shocked at the slicing and dicing that goes on in the corridors and clinics of the hospital. All of us can be imagined as a system where many different organ systems have to work well on their own and together for us to feel healthy.

As a generalist in the hospital, I take care of a wide variety patients and this is a recurring theme in my interactions with specialists. Usually, when there is diagnostic dilemma or therapeutic conundrum rather than approaching the problem with a wide lens and humility- there is sometimes the implication that I have taken care of “my organ system”; now if things aren’t going according to plan then the problem lies in another organ system and so we need another consultant.

This begins what I call a consult-a-palooza. One consultant asking for another consultation and before we know it contradictory recommendations start flowing down the pipeline. Usually, this doesn’t lead to the best patient outcomes.

Common example of this being someone in Renal Failure and Heart Failure where the Cardiologist will recommend a diuretic drip while another consultant may recommend holding diuretics. It can be quite challenging to reconcile these opposite therapies unless the Hospital Medicine doctor has a viewpoint and can explain their perspective logically.

In these days when collegiality is uncommon, it becomes difficult to reconcile opposing therapies especially when they are recommended for the same patient. It can be impossible to reconcile recommendations for complicated patients with multiple diagnoses and comorbidities.

Part of me really enjoys this puzzle solving aspect of Medicine and part of me gets quite frustrated by the communication problems, therapeutic delays and human suffering that come along with every patient that is a diagnostic and therapeutic conundrum.

Sometimes, these occurrences feel like Medicine’s version of “Not my problem”. Well, ultimately it affects the patient so it is everybody’s problem and one that we cannot slice and dice our way out of. Expertise is supposed to help get the best care for our patient and not shrug off a problem.

I always feel that this sort of thing ought to be the special strength of an Internist and we ought to rise to the challenge of being able to diagnose and care for the medically complicated patient and never offer the cop out of: “this isn’t my problem”. I hope generalism continues to rise to the challenge of the “complicated patient” for whatever reason that they happen to be complicated.